Separate lives
by FrancescaBoscorelli
Summary: Becker was leaving and Jess had to find a way to let him go while dealing with the truth she was not ready to face. Jess/Becker. Jecker. Jess/centric
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** here it is, my second Primeval fic. I'm so happy. This is a work in progress. I don't know how many chapters but all I'm telling you there will me a lot of drama and tears and fluff, but not just yet. This is sort of a Jess centric fic with lots of Jecker feels. Also I cried while writing this because a) I was super emotional b) I was not in a very good state of mind and c) this gave me the feels.

Anyways, please be nice and don't forget to review okay? I love you all :)

HAPPY READING!

Fran

* * *

There was one thing she needed to be thankful for. As crazy as it seemed, she had to be thankful for the beetle attack. Yes, it was ridiculous that after her fight against death she could possibly be grateful for the one thing that almost killed her. But she had a reason for that, of course. Ever since she had been attacked she and Becker had grown closer. He often gave her rides home, had lunch with her, bought her cups of coffee early in the morning and he always found an excuse to be closer to her. Abby said he was worried something might happen, that while she had been unconscious he had momentarily lost his mind. Jess didn't want to think about it too much because she was certain he was just a dear friend and he might show the same level of concern for any other friend. Though in the back of her mind she hoped that concern was only for her.

"Everyone, my office now" Lester had called, the team shared a confused look before quickly following their boss inside. He took a seat at his desk, spinning his chair slightly from one side to the other.

"Is there something wrong?" Becker was the first one to ask. Usually when Lester called them for a unplanned meeting meant that something bad had happened, or someone did something wrong. The last time they were there they talked about Philip. After that everything went to hell.

"No,not quite. I will, however, make a suggestion to you"

"to…me?. Why?"

"Because I say so, that's why. You will take Jessica with you on your next field work" Lester spoke, hardly giving time for his words to sink in and to process. Jess shared a confused look with Abby, then with Connor and her eyes finally set on Becker, who was frowning profusely.

"Why would I do that?" Becker asked, avoiding her Jess' questioning gaze. "I don't think she's useful in the field"

"Excuse me?" Jess interfered, not even daring to mask her hurt at his words.

"She doesn't know how to shoot" Becker spoke directly to Lester, not paying attention to Jess' complains.

"I do." She answered

"Her job is coordinate the anomalies, not to be out there shooting and pretending she can actually do that"

"I know how to use a gun"

"No, there is no way I will take her out with me"

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm standing right here!"

"ENOUGH!" Lester screamed. Both stood quiet, Jess looking at Becker and him looking at anywhere and anyone but her. "I did not ask for your opinion, I gave you an order because last thing I knew I was your BOSS"

"Yes, but I am in charge of the security in this building and I need people who are capable of taking care of themselves as well as others. Jessica's job is to stay inside, she doesn't belong out there"

Each time he spoke Jessica felt her insides twitch. She never thought that he, of all people, could think of her as weak and unable to fight. She could have cried, she could have yelled at him, but she had to remind herself she was in front of others so she kept everything for herself.

"You will take her with you because she needs to learn, whatever she doesn't know I'm sure you will teach her" Lester spoke "Every single member of this team needs to be prepared, we can make excuses like 'I don't belong here, I can't do this because this isn't my job'. When creatures happen they won't ask you if you know how to fight, they will attack and you need to able to defend yourself. You will take her with you, end of the discussion"

He stormed out the minute Lester stopped talking, she watched him from the corner of her eye and the only think she could think of was how much of a jerk he truly was.

Eventually an anomaly showed up, her heart beat faster at the sound of the alarm. Though she was eager to be outside, she was also scared of what the creatures might do. She had seen them act, she had seen them attack and kill a young girl, there was no way she wouldn't be scared. Besides, there had been a reason why she had taken this job, they had assured her she wouldn't have to face the creatures unless they personally attacked her. Now she was doing exactly what she had never wanted to do. Still she wasn't going to back away, she needed to prove to someone how brave she was and how useful she could be.

* * *

She couldn't even begin to describe how filthy and smelly she felt. How a creature could smell so terrible was beyond her, and how its blood fell all over her of all people. She had taken two showers since she came home and each time she thought she smelled good until she noticed that disgusting smell again. She was regretting going into the field like Lester had suggested, praying for it not to happen ever again.

Then there was the other awful part of leaving her beloved desk; Becker. She had stopped talking to him since the meeting and when he had assigned who should go with whom she had refused to go with him and went with Abby instead. Call her childish but he had offended her, she could at least make him suffer. After returning from the field, dealing the creature and closing the anomaly, she had left straight home without saying goodbye like she usually did.

She was about to tuck into bed, forget about all her concerns (Becker included) when a knock on the door stopped her. She looked at her watch, almost midnight. Who could be knocking at her door so late? Abby had gone out to the movies with Connor and they had keys, she didn't have any other friends that could visit her in the middle of the night. She didn't have any friends besides the team to be honest. The knocks didn't stop, in fact they turned more frantic and desperate. She opened the door after a few seconds of thinking about it, she thought if she waited whoever was on the other side would walk away, she was wrong.

Especially since she now understood the desperate knocking; it was Becker.

"What are you doing here so late?" she asked him. He made his way inside and she closed the door behind them. She could smell the beer the minute she opened the door.

"I need to talk to you" he spoke quickly, standing a few feet away from her.

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I had a few beers but not enough to get drunk. I need to have my brain clear for what I'm about to tell you" He closed to remaining steps, standing just a few inches away from her body.

"Becker go home"

"No. I just…I just…" he sighed heavily, looking down at his feet for a brief second before his eyes came to stare at her lips and then her eyes. He reached out for her, slowly, his hands holding hers between them. "I wanted to say I'm sorry, for being a jerk. I shouldn't have said you couldn't protect yourself, I shouldn't have said you were useless. I was being irrational and…upset"

"I know, it's okay. " She gave his hand a light squeeze before making a lame attempt of walking away. He stopped her, still holding her hand tightly between his. "Becker it's late, you need to go home. We can talk about this in the morning"

"No. We can't. You don't understand how much courage it took me to come here, to make up my mind and tell you everything I wanted to say"

Her heart begun a quick pace the minute he said his last words. He wanted to say something to her important enough it couldn't wait til the morning? She was curious and desperate and a little worried.

"Becker…"

"I didn't want you there because I can't lose you. I just can't" he begun. "I've lost so many people like that, people that I care about, friends Jessica. I've failed them; they left and died because of me. First Connor and Abby, then Sarah. I lost them…and I can't lose you. I can't. I won't be able to handle it. The only reason why I didn't want you to go it's not because I don't think you're capable, its because I just wouldn't be able to handle the idea of losing you like I lost Sarah. "

"Becker…"

"You mean so much to me; you bring something to my life I thought I'd lost a long time ago. What would I do without you? "

"Becker I don't think you…"

She didn't have time to finish; she didn't have time to think straight as his lips crashed against hers. It was desperate; he was clinging to her, pulling her towards his body. She thought she wouldn't be able to move not even for a second. Then, when she wrapped her arms around his neck, he lose the grip on her waist and kissed her slowly and sweetly.

They reached her bed. And there was as time in which she lost her senses at the feel of his hands caressing her body and his tongue licking her neck. There were just moans and promises of always being together after that.

**TBC.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: thank you for reading! here's chapter two, not a very happy one, sorry about that.

Don't forget to review!

Love ya!

Fran

* * *

They didn't talk about it. They pretended it didn't happen. She never bought it up because for a minute she had blamed everything on the beer, even all he had said and done. They didn't stop spending time together though, and that was something she was glad didn't happen. They still talked about everything but their night together, though sometimes when he touched her, even a slight poke on her arm, reminded her of his hands running down her body and she had to shake those thoughts away quickly.

And then he had broken his promise.

Just a month after they had spent the night together, when he swore he would never leave her, that she was important enough for him to come along in the middle of the night, confess something as crucial as what he had said and then made love to her. He broke a promise, something she thought he never would do.

His phone rang while he was standing very close to her at the ADD and she tried as hard as she could not to eavesdrop when he walked a few steps away. Curiosity got the best of her. She could barely hear, but she was certain he was talking to someone from the military when he referred to the man as 'major'. He looked gloomy when the call ended, that's what told her it hadn't been good news at all and he had walked away a few seconds later, giving her no time to ask anything.

It took her two hours to find him. She knew he was still in the ARC, she had seen him talking to Lester but she made the attempt of reaching out for him he had walked away quickly. He was in the locker room, sitting in a bench front of his locker, staring down at his hands. She knew him too well to let it pass; she didn't need to hear him saying anything to know something had gone terribly wrong.

"Becker?" she was standing at the door, waiting a hint from him that he wanted to see her or talk to her. He smiled briefly at her and she took the remaining steps to sit next to him. "I've been looking for you everywhere. If I didn't know you I would have thought you were avoiding me"

He smiled again and drops his look down his hands again, sighting as she took a sit next to him.

"I have, I'm sorry, I have been avoiding you to be honest"

"Why?"

"Because I don't really know how to say this…and I don't know what are you going to say either"

"Becker, you know you can tell me everything. You don't have to avoid me, we're friends" though after what happened between them she doubted they were only friends. She wasn't going to tell him that, though. It was a secret she rather keep to herself.

"I know" he whispered, lifting his eyes briefly to look at her. He sighed again and closed his eyes before speaking "I received a phone call this morning, from the army. I've been called on a mission"

She stared at him for good long seconds, trying as hard as she could to process what he was telling her.

"But…You're not a soldier anymore" she whispered.

"I'm always going to be a soldier, Jess. It's something that will be with me forever, I can't erase it"

"Will you go?" she hesitated, fearing his answer.

"Depends"  
"On what?"

"On you, actually"

"Wh-why me?" she asked him, frowning slightly.

"Do you want me to go?"

It wasn't fair, he couldn't put all the weight on her shoulders. If she said no she would stop him from performing his duty, something he had chosen to do a long time ago,. She would only let her feelings decide and at the end of the day she would feel guilty. But if she said yes she would be destroyed, She would be heartbroken. And probably moping around once he left, though she would be doing the right thing.

"I think…I think you should do what you ought to do" she whispered, swallowing a lump on her throat.

"Jessica, if you want me to stay…"

"Listen, you said it yourself, you are a soldier. This is your duty, if they're asking you back is because they need you. I won't stop you, not if you must"

Her heart was breaking, slowly and painfully. She already knew the answer, he didn't speak but she could practically read his mind. He had made a decision even before he asked her, he wouldn't say no, he was just hoping she would beg and plead for him not to leave her. But she wouldn't do that, despite how much she wanted to…

"You need to go, Becker" as much it hurt her saying it aloud, it was the entire truth. He nodded silently and she took a moment to swallow her tears and to make the sadness from her heart disappear.

"I'm sorry I won't be able to keep my promise" he whispered suddenly, turning his head slightly, holding his gaze with hers for a brief second.

"Well you can keep your promise when you get back" she smiled, or at least she tried because all her brain and body was screaming was for her to break down and cry like a child.

"And I will. I always keep my promises…"

"So…when are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow"

"To—tomorrow? That's…that's so soon" she looked down at her feet, taking a deep breath as she felt she wouldn't be able to hold down her tears. She didn't want him to see her cry, she didn't want to make him feel bad or guilty because she felt sad.  
"I know. They want me as soon as possible"

"Well then…you better go pack" She got up slowly, turning her back towards him for just a minute, to compose herself. He had followed her lead and now he was facing her, standing just a few feet away. She wanted to run, she wanted to leave, and scream, and cry until she had no tears left. Instead she stood there, waiting for him to say something or for her legs to start function.

"I'm not coming back tomorrow" he spoke "I'm not good at saying goodbye, I think it's the worst part of leaving, and I don't want to walk away just like that either so…I think I'm going to do it now"

"Okay…"

He wrapped his arms around her waist slowly, pulling her towards him. Her arms quickly wrap around his neck. There was no way she could stop them now, the tears ran freely down her pale cheeks. She felt as she was hugging him for the last time that it was entirely wrong and painful. Biting down her lower lip she slowly pulled herself away from him, wiped away the tears and flashed one last warm smile at the man before her.  
God this was just too much.

"Don't cry, Jess" he told her but it sounded as if his own voice and body were betraying him for she could have sworn she saw his eyes water.

"I'll be fine, don't worry about me. Just be safe and stay warm, okay?" She took another step away from him, putting as much space between as she could. He watched her, silently and she took this as her cue to make an excuse and leave . "Well then I should go. You need to…say goodbye to people before you leave and well I'm not good at goodbyes myself so I'm just going to—leave"

His eyes were on her as she walked towards the door, not even thinking about turning back or saying something else, she just marched away. Her heart breaking with each step she took.

* * *

He didn't say goodbye to her, like he had said. She stared at him as he received hugs from everyone; Abby, Emily, Connor, Matt and even Lester. Abby thought it was odd not to see her there but then she understood when she found her friend weeping in the ladies room, the only thing that came out of Jess' mouth was 'he's gone'.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** thanks for readin' ya'll! I love you guise.

Don't forget to review!

Fran

* * *

She was sick. Physically and mentally. She hadn't said anything about not feeling like herself, but Abby knew her better than she thought. There was no need to explain anything to her, the only thing she needed is to look at her friend and she knew. She also noticed how she skipped meals every now and then and even how tired she looked.

"Jess you need to eat something" Abby told her. Her friend frowned at her as they sat together in her kitchenette. True she hadn't eaten much for the last couple of days, but it was because she simply wasn't hungry.

"I'm not hungry"

"I know you haven't eaten, I've not seen you take a bite for the last two days"

"What? Are you stalking me now?"

"No, I'm your friend and I'm worried"

"You don't have to be, I'm fine" she lied. Yes it was a lie. She was anything but fine. She was sad and gloomy and sometimes all she wanted to do was stay in bed and never get up. She never thought Becker leaving could be so hard.

"I know you miss him" Abby started. She had lost count on how many times she had started the same speech "he'll be back before you know it. He could never stay away from us, especially not from you" but she would keep doing it until she sees her friend smiling again. "but starving yourself won't do any good"

"I'm not starving myself" Jess snapped "I'm not eating anything because I think I have come down with something. It's not that I don't want to eat, it's that I can't eat. Maybe it's stomach flu or something"

"You're not lying , are you?" Abby asked. Jess inmediatly shook her head in denial.

"No, I do think I'm sick"

"Then go to the doctor"

"I don't want to"

"Jessica stop being a child, if you're sick then you need to see somebody" Abby insisted

"Maybe I'm just stressed out that's all. These last couple of days have been hard." She stared down at the full cup of tea in front of her and shrugged. "I might need to lay down for a bit"

"Fine, but promise me if you still don't feel good you will go to the doctor"

"I promise…mom" she flashed a smile at her friend, silently grateful that she wasn't alone.

* * *

She did it anyways. Not because Abby kept asking her if she felt better and if she should speak to Lester and tell him she wasn't feeling well, but because the last time she got sick at the ARC she could barely walk and she almost passed out. She still thought it was her body playing tricks on her and the lack of sleep was also playing a big part in it too, but somehow in the back of her mind she knew Abby was right and seeing a doctor would be the best solution.

She did not expect to get the answer she got. She didn't expect the doctor to tell her that small tiny piece of information.

No, she definetly wasn't.

"Are you okay Miss Parker?" the woman asked her, smiling warmly at her. "I understand this is taking you by surprise, don't worry I've seen a lot of woman reacting the same you are right now"

"Are you sure? I mean about the results. Are you hundred percent sure?"

"Yes"

"Did you double check?"

"I did"

"And its still the same answer?"

"Yes, still the same"

"oh my God. I can't…I just I don't know what to…say. Or do. What do I do now?"

"Take your time, information like this is hard to process"

"Yeah, alright. Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm gonna take some time. Yes. Thank you doctor"

She really didn't think taking time like the woman had said, would make it any easier to process. She was shocked, she was scared, she was happy, she was utterly and completely confused. Of all the things she had planned in her life, this was definitely not one of them.  
She walked down the street as if she were lost in her own little bubble, allowing her feet to drag her whervever they could find because she just couldn't think straight. For a minute she wanted to cry but then she thought there was no point, she had cried so much in the last week she had sure had no tears left. Before she knew it she was home, being quietly observed by Abby and Connor. She snapped her head towards them when she heard her name, still completely lost.

"I asked you if you wanted to eat something?" Abby spoke, walking past her towards the kitchen "I could make dinner, or we could order something unless you're still feeling weird with your stomach"

"No…I feel good. I mean I just came back from the doctor"

"Good, so do you have stomach flu like you thought?" her friend asked her. Connor had joined them from the living room, he came to take a sit next to them, suddenly interested in their conversation.

"No. Definetly not stomach flu"

"Then what is it?"

"I'm pregnant"

Connor spilled the juice he was drinking.

Abby gasped, covering her mouth with her hands.

Both staring at her with confused and surprised look on their faces.

"You're…what?" Abby spilled, blinking rapidly.

"At least a month, according to the doctor" she spoke "I'm…I'm having a baby. I'm gonna be a mom"

"Oh my God" Connor spoke.

"I can't believe it"

"Oh my God…"

"Yeah" Jess said, nodding slowly, still not quite believing anything.

"Wait, does that mean you're seeing somebody? I mean obviously you are if you're having a baby, right? Because there's no other way this would have happened. Then what about Becker? I thought you liked him. Hell, I thought you loved him. So does that mean you don't like him anymore? I don't understand, I'm confused. Someone please explain" Connor spoke quickly, which was something she usually did too and in another time she would have laughed but his questions were making her uncomfortable, thought she knew she couldn't keep the truth from them, they were her friends and support was what she needed now.

"Becker is the father"

For the second time Connor spilled his juice and for the third time he said 'oh my God'. She figured if she explained how everything happened she would get tired of hearing the same phrase over and over again.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** okay there's something I must explain. I made up a background story for Jess in which her mother is awful and cruel and mean, very different to other stories I've seen around. I thought, I don't know why, it would fit to the story perfectly thought I understand is rather sad. I mean I did cry when I wrote it and I still cry when I read it.

Anyways, thank you for reading and reviewing. I love you all

Fran

* * *

She knows she has to talk to people, to share the news. And ask them to not treat her different because she is carrying a child, though she sensed they would anyways. The first one she speaks to is Lester, being the boss he deserved to know before anyone else in the team. She didn't know why she felt so nervous, the minute she walks inside his office she realizes her palms are sweaty and her heart is beating fast. She felt as if she were about to tell the news to her father.

"I'm pregnant" she spoke quickly. She figured it would be easier if she didn't hesitate and would actually give time for the news to sink in.

He lay back in his chair, and it took him good long five minutes to actually say something in return. His first word was 'wow' and then he's started babbling about how she needed to take time and go home because work was a dangerous place for a pregnant woman. She understood he was being overprotective but the last thing she needed is to be treated as if she were sick.

"I already spoke to my doctor and she said if my job isn't too hard there's no need for me to go home, or even take maternity leave" she explained and quickly continued before he could protest "which is what I wanted to ask you, I want to stay here and do what I do best; work. I don't want anyone to treat me or see me as a sick woman when I'm not. I can do my job and be pregnant at the same time. Besides I don't think you can get someone to do my job anyway"

She had hit the right spot for she knew she was one of the few who kept the ARC running smoothly. If he were to find someone it would take months to train them, and time wasn't exactly what Lester or anyone had.

"Fine, you can stay" he spoke to which he received a smile "but do not engage in any encounter with any creatures in any single possible way, is that clear?"

"Not even for a minute"

"Good, now off to work" he waved at her, motion her to get up and leave. Before she reached to the door he called her name "I forgot to say; congratulations. I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother"

"Thank you" she smiled warmly before walking out and closing the door behind her.  
She shared the news with the rest of the team shortly after. She received a warm hug from Emily, who also told her she was certain she would be a fantastic mother, then Matt did the same, repeating the words Emily told her. They were as surprised and as happy as Abby and Connor, and sure they had the same question, she didn't give them time to ask.

"Yes, Becker is the father" she spoke.

"We weren't going to…" Matt spoke but she stopped him by giving his arm a light squeeze, assuring him he hadn't offend her with his curiosity.

"Don't worry about it, I know you didn't want to ask but I also know you're curious. We're gonna have a baby and that's…it"

"Are you going to tell him?" Emily asked

"I will. I have to. I just don't want to tell him on a letter, or a phone call. I don't think it's a nice way to find out you're going to be a dad, right?"

"Then how exactly are you going to tell him?" Connor asked

"I'll just…I'll just wait for him to come back." They all stared at her, she felt they were feeling sorry for her somehow and she felt rather uncomfortable."He'll be back in a couple of months, I will tell him when he's home safe and sound"

Because he was going to come back, he made a promise and promises were not meant to be broken.

* * *

"Are you going to tell your family about the baby?" Abby asked her at dinner. She had forced her to eat because she was now eating for two and she wouldn't be a responsible aunt if she didn't worry about the mom being healthy. Jess thought that was the sweetest thing Abby had ever said to her.

"I don't know, maybe"

"What about your mom? Are you gonna tell her?"

Truth was the last person she wanted to see and talk to was her mother. They didn't have the greatest relationship in the world and Jess didn't know how she was going to react. Besides the fact that she didn't want to find any excuse to share even a small conversation with her.  
"I'm not sure" she responded, staring down at her half eaten meatloaf. "We don't get along very well"

"She will find out anyways. I mean what is going happen when you show up at her doorstep with a child in your arms. She will have questions"

Abby was right (again). Avoiding speaking to her mother would not do any good to her mental stability.

"I'll call her in the morning. Or maybe next week"

"Call her tomorrow, the sooner you get this over with, the sooner you'll feel better"

* * *

So she did. Next day she sat on her couch, phone in hand, waiting for her mother to pick up the phone, silently praying she wouldn't. Eternal minutes later her mother greeted her, coldly as usual.

_"Jessica. What can I do for you?"_ not even a 'hello darling, how are you?' or a 'it's been a long time'. No, she just asked her what she wanted so she could continue with whatever she was doing and be calm.

"Mom, it's nice to talk to you. It's been a while"

_"Yeah, sure. So, what do you need?"_

"I need to talk to you, it's rather important"

_"okay…tell me then"_

"I can't do it over the phone, I need to talk to you in person"

There was a long pause, for a minute she thought her mother had hang up on her but then she heard a groan. Guess she wasn't as pleased to see her as she thought.

_"Fine, you can come over if you want. I'll be here all week"_

"Sure, I'll be there in an hour"

She could have asked her to talk tomorrow, or in a few days, but then she would think about the whole conversation and complain about meeting her the entire time so it was truly for the best if they talk soon, that way there wouldn't see each other again and they could continue with their lives as if they weren't mother and daughter, like they always did.  
It did take her an hour to get home, her old home, though it usually took her less but she had stopped several times and a few of those thought about turning her car around and make an excuse not to meet her. Then at the end of it she just kept driving and ignored the pang of nervousness that suddenly hit her stomach.

She knocked on the door, several times to be precise, and after a few minutes, or ten, her mother's face showed up. She hadn't changed much, Jess noticed, her hair was longer and lighter than the last time but her eyes showed the same coldness it did each time they saw each other. It was a constant reminder of the non-existent relationship they had.

"Jessica" she greeted her, the same way she did over the phone, and opened the door wider for her to walk in. Once she did so the older woman turned her back on her and walked away. Jess followed her quickly and watched her as she moved around the kitchen "Tea?"

"Sure…" sometimes she was amazed at her mother's behavior around her, mesmerized by the lack of interest she showed for her and remembered that it used to make her cry. Until she grew up and understood that's how their relationship was going to be.

"You said you wanted to tell me something" she spoke, putting the kettle on and continued moving around the kitchen.

"Yes. I wanted to tell you that…" she swallowed hard, there wasn't any way she could break this down easily and there wasn't a way she could predict what her mother would say to her. But maybe talking quickly would be the answer. "I'm pregnant"

"You're _WHAT_?" she yelled. Sure she had never imagined THAT reaction. It was as if she actually cared. "how?"

"Do you really want me to answer that question?"

"You're having a baby?"

"I think that's what being pregnant means"

"I can't believe it…I can't." she snapped her head towards her, dropping the cup she was holding into the sink "How far along are you?"

"A month"

"Well that's good. I mean you still have another option, and it might be less painful if you do it again. I have a friend who can help you out with your problem…"

"Wait, stop there for a minute. What problem?" she was seriously confused. Surely she wasn't talking about her child, right?

"Jessica, come on. You know having a baby is not what you want."

"Oh really, how would you know that if you barely even know me?" she asked furiously.

"I'm your mother"

"You are _BARELY_ my mother" she snapped. "don't pretend you know me when you clearly don't"

"I know you enough to know that you don't want to make the same mistake I did"

"oh right, because having me was the worst thing that ever happened to you"

"I didn't say that…"

"You don't have to, _MOM_" she wasn't surprised nor she was offended. Her mother had a special way of reminding her Jess was the only thing that went wrong in her life. "Look, the only reason why I came here to tell you this is because, whether you like it or not, you're my mother and sooner or later you were going to find out so…"

"You came here to ask for my help, I know you did"

"I came here because you're my mother and because you're going to be a grandmother in eight months. Not because I wanted to seek any advice from you"

"Having a baby will change your life, Jessica. I want to help you see that, I don't want you to do something you will regret later"

"I won't do that…"

"What about the father? Why isn't here with you now?"

"He's gone , on a mission, he's a soldier" she didn't know why she had to explain that to her, why did she even asked her about the baby's dad. She never asked her about hers.

"He left you." Her mother whispered, clearly not paying attention to what she had said.

"He didn't left me. He's on a mission; he will be back in a couple of months"

"You can't raise a child on your own, it's too hard. I know that for a fact" she kept talking, babbling as she paced around the kitchen, making Jess feeling dizzy.

"You didn't raise me, grandma did." She snapped.

"Because she didn't let me do what I had to do!" her mother yelled "because she thought I had to be responsible, be a mother. I was 17 years old when I got pregnant, I had a life and I lost everything…everything I ever wanted"

"Yeah, because of me. You told me that every change you could" she wasn't sad. No she wasn't, not anymore. She was so used to her mother's bitterness that she soon put everything in the back of her mind "You know what? I think this was clearly a mistake. All of this. I can't believe I even consider for a brief second allowing you to be part of my child's life. I can't believe I considered you at all. You're a joke as a mother, I'm certain you will be a joke as a grandmother too" She stood up, shaking her head and closing her eyes to take a deep breath. "Goodbye, mother"

If she could learn something from this joke of a visit, and talking to her mother, it was the kind of mom she would never be for her child. Unlike Jess had, her child would receive all the love he or she deserved and it was certain would never be considered a mistake.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Sorry this is sorta short. This is where Jess tells her family about the baby and I always pictured them way more supportive than her mother.

Anyways I hope you like it, thank you for reviewing and reading...sorry I can't write more but I'm sick and I feel terrible.

**Edit**: I added something else, thanks to the reviewer who pointed out that I didn't write the cousin's reactions so I wrote something. I'm not sure I like it tho...

**Fran**

* * *

Her mother called a week later. When Abby told her who it was Jess considered hanging up, but at the end she didn't know why she spoke to her mother anyways. There was no point in avoiding her mother when Jess knew she would probably keep calling just to annoy her.

_"Your grandmother is coming"_ her mother told her _"I think you should come, she will want to see you"_

"You told her about the baby?"

_"No, that's your job"_

And then she hangs up without another word coming out of her mouth. She was considering talking to her grandmother, call her on the phone sometime in the next month and tell her about the baby without her mother being around, but apparently her mother thought it would be nice to be there to see her daughter flushed and frustrated.

When the day came, she was twice was worried to talk to her grandmother that she ever thought she would be. She was like Jess's mother, well in fact she was in fact the only mother she knew, and her approval meant a lot to her. Not that she was going to judge her for being a mother, but she was certain she might have some questions she was only partially ready to answer.

The one thing she was not prepared for was her entire family waiting for her at home. She had planned on talking to the only important person in her life, not her whole family at once. Especially since they weren't exactly the sweetest, most charming, understanding group of people. She didn't back out, she didn't run away because that would make her a coward and that wasn't who she was.

Her cousin Laura was there. She was the happiest woman alive, according to her mother, she had two kids and was happily married to a doctor. They had the perfect marriage, the perfect house, the perfect life. Sometimes Jess envied her, sometimes she found herself wishing to have what Laura had but then changed her mind at the last minute. Her laughs were fake as she was, she didn't look happy when nobody was watching and she looked tired each time Jess saw her.

Then there was her other cousin, Tammy. She was two years older than Jess, she proved herself to be as crazy as she was, she was pretty much like her. She called herself a free bird, but Jess knew she was anything but free. She had a year old little boy, Jared and just like Jess she had been judged and yelled at but for a whole different reason. Jared's dad was a married man who had refused to leave his wife when he found out about him. Tammy had assured everyone it was because he wasn't ready to be a father, but they all knew it was because he had never loved her.

"You look different, Jessy" Laura spoke during their meal. All the eyes were on her and she felt her cheeks turning pink. "You did something to your hair?"

"No, I didn't" Jess answered, staring down at her half eaten pie.

"Why don't you just tell them Jessica" Her mother interrupted "There's no point in hiding it anymore"

"Mom, please…"

"Tell us what?" her grandmother asked her, frowning slightly at her daughter's words

"She's pregnant" her mother said, the tone of her voice showing she was embarrassed and probably upset. She looked at Jess as if she had committed the world's worst crime.

"WHAT?" her cousins practically screamed at her and Jess felt, for the first time, she could throw a knife at her mother.

"Oh my God Jessy" Tammy spoke, a smile appearing on her face. She reached out to hold Jess' hand and give it a light squeeze "that's amazing! Oh dear a baby..."

"How is that amazing?" Laura interrupted, frowing slightly at Tammy's enthusiasm "she's going to be a single mother, because I assume there's no father since he didn't have the balls to show up tonight"

"There is a father" jess already sensed laura's reaction. She had forgotten how much she was like her mother; bitter and cold. She remembered her reaction when Tammy told her she was having a baby out of wedlock, she had screamed at her for half an hour telling her how irresponsible she was. "He's not here tonight because he's on a mission..."

"But I assume, as we all do, that will come back to you, right?" Laura asked her

"Yes" jess answered quickly. Her mother eyed her, she could sense it "yes he will"

"You're not entirely sure..." Her mother interfered.

"I am, I know him and I know he will come back" Jess responded

"You're going to be a single mother" her mother stated.

"I'm not going to a single mother" Jess interrupted, furious at her mother's words "My baby has a father, he's not here but he will be in a couple of months, I thought I had already explained this to you"

"its that what he told you?" her mother asked her, trying to prove that she was right and Jessica was wrong or maybe lying "That he was on a mission? Maybe he ran away when he found a baby could ruin his plans. It wouldn't be the first time it has happened"

She could almost hear 'like it happened to me' all over again.

"Is he really coming back?" her grandmother asked her. Jess felt the only one she owe an explanation to was her and nobody else.

"Yes, I don't know exactly when but he made a promise and I know he will keep it"

"That's what everybody says…" her mother whispered.

"You know what?" Jess got up slowly from the table, dizzy and disgusted to be repeating herself again. Now she understood why her mother had called her, she wanted to humiliate her daughter and try to convince her mother's solution was the right now and that she was making a big mistake. That would happen by making a fool of herself in front of her family; trying to show them how miserable she will be with a child in her arms.  
"I'm done explaining myself. I'm done talking to you about something you don't care about. This is my child, my baby; I don't need to prove Becker is a different man than any others I've met in my life. He…he loves me, he loves us and whether you want to believe me or not I don't care"

She took a deep breath, blinked back the tears as long as she could and flashed a small warm smile with her grandmother. She felt she was the only one who wasn't silently judging her.

"I'm sorry granny" she apologized. "I wanted to tell in a different way, not like this, I'm really sorry"

"You don't have to apologize, sweetheart" her grandmother spoke warmly. "I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother. Hundred times better than yours"

"Thank you" she spoke softly. "I think it's time for me to leave. I don't want to stay and hear about the ways my _MOTHER_ has to remind me how much of a mistake I am"

That, again, was another of the thousands reasons Jessica had to pull her baby as far away from her mother as possible. She only felt sorry she was still accepting and dealing with the humiliation when she could have avoided it all together.

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N**: Reviewers and readers, thank you so much. I love you guise. I'm glad you like this so THANK YOU I LOVE YOU.

**Fran**

* * *

The months passed quickly and she wouldn't have noticed them if It wasn't for the baby growing inside of her, growing faster with each passing day. She also did something that made her heart feel tight inside her chest: she kept the days Becker had been gone marked in a calendar and sometimes she stared blankly at them as her baby kicked. It was as if her child sensed her distress and her sadness.

Five months. Becker had been gone for five months and each day she missed him more. The worst part was at night, when she lay in bed staring at the ceiling as the baby kicked to make itself noticed. She found a way to sooth it; she told it stories about its father, about how they met, about the time he had saved her life. She wished he could be there, cried and prayed for him to be safe and come home quickly, hoping her optimism would never wash away and she had been right when saying he was okay.

"God my back is killing me" Jess whispered, rubbing her back to relieve the pressure.

"Then probably you should go home, get some rest" Abby told her, standing next to her at the ADD. She watched as her friend tried to find a more comfortable way to sit in front of the computer. Her baby bump kept getting in the way.

"No, I need to finish this first." She sat back, a hand firmly on her belly. She looked down at herself and smiled, the baby was kicking once, twice and even though the first time the baby kicked her had felt weird, now it felt wonderful.

"What are you smiling about?" Abby asked her.

"Oh something that I remembered" She whispered "There was one time, before you and Connor came back, that I had forgotten to have lunch and I told Becker I was going to as soon the update was finished. He stood next to me and poked me in my arm until I got up. The baby kicking reminded me of it, i guess."

"Maybe it's a Becker thing; the baby will be your constant reminder of things you should do. Like eating or getting rest"

"Probably…"

She rubbed her belly again, the kicking had subsided but not the movement. The baby was definitely trying to make her get up and leave.

"And I think I might as well do that" She got up slowly, stretching as she did so. "There just one more thing I need to do. I'll see you at home"

She took slow steps towards the lockers, standing at the door to see if it was empty, when she saw it was she walked in with tentative steps. She stood in front of his locker, reaching out to caress his name tag on it, closing her eyes as she did so. If she stood there long enough she could still see him, buttoning his red and black shirt as she waited for him on the bench.

Coming here was hard; she knew and understood she was only torturing herself by doing it but part of it helped soothe her troubled heart and the loneliness that sometimes came to her. It wasn't fair to feel she was alone, she had so many people who took care of her; like Abby, who had held her hand when she got dizzy, or held her hair when morning sickness attacked her. Or Connor who had insisted he should read fairytales to the baby before going to bed and laughed excitedly when the baby gave a kick in response. Or even Matt, who twice a week offered a ride for her because he thought driving wouldn't be safe for her. Or even Lester that insisted she didn't overwork or she might stress herself or the baby.

No, she wasn't alone. Despite Becker's absence she had a family of friends who had been there for her when she needed them the most. She was truly blessed.

* * *

Month six.

Another month over now. She was six months pregnant and there was still no sign of Becker. She tried not to think about it too much, she tried not to think about it at all, she had other things to worry about like the doctor's appointments or finding a crib for her child. The last one was taking more time than she thought.

"I have a doctor's appointment today, I'll be back for dinner, okay?" She told Abby on her way out and found it completely odd that Abby just waved and didn't say a word.

Maybe all the anomalies that they had encounter in the last two weeks was starting to get to her.

* * *

Abby searched for her phone quickly as Jess walked out of the apartment. In a second she had reached out for Matt and Emily, giving them the signal they needed to get everything moving. They had at least two hours to set their plan in motion.

She wasn't the perfect woman to keep a secret, Abby didn't like to hide things from people, if she had something she could share she would. But right now, the secret she was keeping was for the best and it wouldn't affect anyone, in fact it would make someone happy, someone who needed moments of joy in her life.

They had been planning this for weeks, ever since Jess had complained she still couldn't find the perfect crib for the baby and wanted to find something perfect. That was all Abby needed to know to start planning her surprise, and when she had shared the information with the team they all agreed happily.

She could picture Jess reaction upon seeing the surprise and making her happy was the only thing important for her and the team. They all wanted to show Jess she wasn't alone, she had them and they were a family, they were there in times of need and comfort.

* * *

Jess sensed there was something odd when she walked inside and found Matt and Emily sitting on her couch. They usually came to visit on the weekend not in the middle of the week. She pushed it to the back of her mind because they were her friends, they could come and visit her whenever they wanted to.

"Hello Jess" Emily greeted her, smiling warmly.

"How did it go? What did the doctor say?" Abby asked her, giving her no time to greet Emily properly.

"Good, everything is fine. The baby is big and healthy…."

"And?" Abby questioned her again. Jess knew she wanted to know if she had been right and if she was going to win their bet; she and Connor had been trying to guess if the baby was a boy or a girl and whoever lost had to cook for at least two weeks.

"Well…it's a girl"

"YES!" Abby shouted. "I knew it!"

"You were just lucky" Connor replied, obviously not amused by the fact he had lost. "Congratulation Jess"

"Thank you" she smiled and received a warm hug from Emily and Matt, Abby followed close whispering a 'thank you' in her ear to which she couldn't help but smile. "So you guys are staying for dinner?" she asked Matt, who exchanged a conspiratory look and a brief smile with Emily.

"No, actually we were here to give you something" Matt spoke.

"You…are?"

"Yes" he answered "C'mon"

He grabbed her before she could question him or protest, his hands flew immediately to her eyes, covering them so she couldnt see anything at all. Some else held her hand, guiding her and stopping her from tripping and falling on her face. Then, after a couple of meters, she heard a door open and the hand that was holding her brought her to a stop. Matt removed his hand from her eyes slowly and she opened them.

What she saw in front of her took her breath away; the spare room had been fully decorated as a nursery. The walls had been painted with a light green, there was a white crib with matching green bedding and pillows. A beautiful mobile hang above the crib and there were stuffed animals perfectly arranged inside the crib.

"Oh my God…" she whispered, stepping inside the room to take a better look around and the decorations.

"We wanted to surprise you" Abby spoke "I know you haven't had time to go shopping or to even think about decorating the room so we thought we could do it for you. Do you like it?"

"Oh Abby…this is beautiful" she whispered, moved by all that her friends had done for her. "I can't believe you guys did this"

"We just wanted to show you that we're here for you." Connor spoke.

"And we're your family and we love you" Emily continued.

"Thank you. Thank you so much" she hugged Emily, then Abby. Matt and Connor stepped up to join and they all ended up in a big warm group hug. She had never felt so much love for a group of people in her whole life.

"Also there's something else we wanted to give you…" Connor said, making his way towards a drawer in the far corner of the room, pulling something out. She handled a frame, when she took a good look at the picture in it her heart jolt inside her chest; it was a picture of her and Becker, they were standing very close to each other, her head slightly resting on his shoulder and his arm wrap tightly around her waist. She remembered that day, it had been Connor's idea to go for a picnic, Becker had freaked out with the idea and she couldn't quite fathom why. Until she understood that he was afraid of bugs on her behalf. He was scared she might be bitten by an insect.

"We thought you might want to have it here, or in your room" Abby explained. Jess eyes were still glued to the picture, her fingertips caressing Becker's face as a tear rolled down her cheek "Jess…"

"I'm fine" she whispered, flashing a smile at her friends "it's just…it's still hard, still hard to live a day without him and I can't help but feeling sad, you know? But I'm also happy because I have all of you and my baby will have the most amazing and coolest uncles and aunts in the world"

"She will also have the greatest mom" Emily spoke, reaching out for Jess' hand and giving it a light squeeze.

"And a super cool uncle who will teach her about dinosaurs and science and Dr Who. " Connor interrupted, clapping his hands together as if he were making a master plan. "I will be her favorite uncle"

"Of course you will sweetie" Abby said, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek. "Now why don't you, coolest uncle ever, make us something to eat? I mean you did lost a bet"

"Yeah, I'm starving" Matt said.

"Yes, me too" Emily continued.

"You wouldn't like your favorite niece to starve, right?" Jess said. Connor marched outside, mumbling something about food and bets and never again.

They all followed him, Jessica giving one last look at the room, smiling wide as she closed the door behind her.

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**: another chapter? so soon? yes. Only becasue I love you guise.

Don't forget to review...and please oh please don't hate me.

Also, Captain O'Reilly belongs to me.

**Fran**

* * *

On Monday, after having a long and much needed weekend of relaxation, she came back to work with new energy. She felt happy and bubbly again though she somehow couldn't explain quite why, she thought it had something to do by the fact that she had dreamed about Becker and the dream seemed so deliciously real she couldn't stop thinking about it.

She made her stop by the lockers like she usually did, and was surprised to find a man she didn't know, putting a shirt above his head.

"Excuse me?" She spoke. The man in question fixed his shirt and stared at her "who are you?"

"You must be Jessica Parker, I've heard about you, miss" he explained. Lifting his hand to greet her, he smiled. "I'm Captain O'Reilly, the new head of security"

She stormed out, furious, before he could talk again. She walked inside Lester's office without knocking; she was too upset to worry about a small detail like that.

"You're replacing him?" She inquired. Lester was taken aback by her sudden outburst but didn't stop her from it; he just watched her, understanding why she was upset.

"Miss Parker"

"He's only been gone for a few months and he promised to come back, you know that. Everyone knows that…"

"Captain O'Reilly is not taking Becker's place" Lester explained "I need someone capable of doing the job and he seems to be qualified to do exactly that"

"What does it mean? That when Becker comes back he will find another man doing his work?"

"In the mean time, we need someone…"

"To do the job, you already said that" she whispered. "I know I might sound childish but please promise he won't touch his stuff. Promise me he will at least stay away from Becker's locker"

"I promise"

* * *

"Did you see the new guy?" Abby asked her, late at night when the stress of the day was taking the toll on her tired body and all Jess wanted was to lay in bed and stay there for weeks. Her daughter hadn't stopped moving and kicking since morning.

"Yes, Captain Jackson O'Reilly transferred from New York City to London two months ago" Jess spoke. Abby frowned slightly "I read his file"

"Of course you did"

"He seems nice"

"He is nice"

"Not as nice as Becker was when he first arrived" Jess stood quiet for a few minutes. Her mind drifting away to the day when she first meet him, how he had looked at her (her short skirt and shoes, she presumed) and how close they had become afterwards. He was wary of her presence, probably thinking she was way too young to be a field coordinator but the end he had trusted her.

"Lester says he will stay with us for a while, be the head of the security while Becker is gone" Abby told her.

"Maybe he's trying to replace him. I know he said he wouldn't but I just…I feel like he's doing it "

"Jess you know he would never do that. Despite what Lester says he does miss Becker, he won't say it aloud though"

"Maybe I'm being too hard on him…" she finally said

"That could probably be it"

And even though she didn't want to think about it, while she lay in bed that night the new soldier and the job he was entitled to do were the only things on her mind. She couldn't stop picturing Becker's reaction at seeing someone else giving orders and making sure everyone was safe.

But then her mind floated away in the middle of the night when her daughter didn't wake her up as she usually did and hadn't kicked for what Jess had noticed twenty minutes and that, even though relaxing, seemed odd to her. She was used to feeling her and calm her with stories about her father or a soft lullaby.

Today, apparently, was different and Jess couldn't stop thinking her daughter's distress meant something else.

* * *

Abby had woken up earlier than usual, not because she couldn't sleep but because of the strong knock on the door. She stared at the alarm clock before rising form the bed, 7 am, she didn't have to be up for an hour yet she couldn't pretend she didn't hear the noises and go back to sleep. When she reached at it and swung the door open quickly, she wished she hadn't answered.

The two uniformed man before her made her insides twitch. They started at her in silence, each of them removing their hats in unison, with grief on their faces. Her heart hurt for what was yet to come.

"Miss Jessica Parker?" one of the men asked.

"She's…she's sleeping"

"May we speak to her?"

Abby sighed and looked down at her bare feet, shifting her weight from one side to the other. She knew what they wanted to say, she knew it from the way they were looking at her with sorrow and she couldn't allow her friend to go through that.

"Look she's…why don't you tell me whatever you need to say to her? I'm her roommate" she pleaded.

"I'm sorry Ma'am but we need to address to her and her only, if you don't mind" the soldier answered.

"Please don't do this to her, I know what you have to say but please don't do it" Abby pleased again "She's six months pregnant, she can't go through…"

"Abby, who is it?" Jess interrupted her, walking along the living room and towards the open door. She stopped, did a double take when she realized the men standing outside her house. Sharing one look with her friend her hand went automatically to her belly, feeling her baby kick for the first time in hours. "What's going on?"

"Miss Jessica Parker?" one of the soldiers spoke directly to her.

"Is this about Becker?" she didn't have to ask, she knew it but she wanted them to say they hadn't come here for the reason she thought (she prayed they hadn't) "Is he hurt?"

"Ma'am…"

"Where is he? What happened?" she pleaded more urgently. One of the men took a step forward, looking down mournfully and Jess' heart stopped beating for a second. Her eyes watered immediately and a lump formed on her throat. She begged to whoever was listening, to God, to Angels, to anyone for the words not to leave the man's mouth because it couldn't be real. No it couldn't…

"I'm sorry ma'am to inform you Captain Becker was killed in action"

She shook her head vigorously, her whole world spinning before her. Abby stood by her side, holding her steady as tears ran freely down her cheeks. She sobbed loudly in Abby's arms as Abby made soothing sounds as to calm her but the pain was just too much to bear. Her whole world crumbling beneath her feet, her heart breaking into a million pieces.

Her worst fear had come true.

**TBC.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N**: This is sad...I don't like writing sad things and I don't know why I keep doing it. Got me very emotional.

Thanks for reading and reviewing. I love you guise

**Fran**

* * *

They all sat in silence in the living room. Connor was holding Abby's hand, eyes drifting to random points across the wall. Matt sat next to Emily, who squeezed his hand every now and then. There was nothing to say, nothing to think. It had taken way too long for them to process the death of their friend, but it had been harder for Jess. Abby had managed to put her to bed, after crying uncontrollably on the couch for hours, and she had drifted to sleep sobbing into her pillow, one hand resting on her belly.

"Did they tell you what happened?" Emily broke the silent suddenly.

"There was…an attack. Becker and a few other soldiers were camping and people showed up out of nowhere and…" Abby swallowed hard and her eyes watering again. "He was shot."

"I know this isn't probably the right time to ask this but, what's going to happen to the body? Are they sending him here anytime soon?" Matt asked her.

"They said in a couple of days, two tops"

The door of Jess' room swing open slowly, a very pale and tired jess emerged from inside, dragging her feet slowly. They all got up; Abby surprised to see her awake so soon considered how tired she was the night before. She reached out for her and Jess responded with a weak smile.

"What are you doing up so soon, sweetie?" Abby asked her, giving her hand a light comforting squeeze "you need to rest"

"I…I had dream" Jess whispered, her eyes watering slowly "he was calling my name, and he…he tried to reach out for me and I…I couldn't hold his hand. He was too far away…I wanted to hold him and I couldn't" she sobbed and Abby held her as she cried in her shoulder. "God I miss him so much…"

"I know sweetie. I know" Abby whispered, tears running down her face too.

There was nothing left to be said, or do. The whole team seemed to be as sad and destroyed as Jess was, and equally speechless. Becker had become more than a friend. They were more than that, they were no longer friends they were family.

* * *

Abby had been in charge of calling Lester that same day, he had sent his condolences to Jess and had asked Jess to stay home. When Abby told her she refused, she didn't want to stay home and think, and just when he left she wanted to keep herself busy otherwise she would fall apart.

Lester had called them out, every member of the ARC was standing near the ADD waiting for him to share whatever information he had.

"It is a great sadness for me" Lester spoke softly, his eyes stopping to look at Jess for a few brief seconds before continuing "to communicate the loss of a very important member of our team. Captain Becker was killed in action…"

A few gasps from the members followed his words. Abby could see and read the sadness in the soldiers' eyes at the loss of their commanding officer, a few lowered their heads in what Abby could tell was a silent prayer.

"He will be missed" Lester finished after a few moments. She could see his eyes also watering and she never thought he could react like that at all.

The members moved around, talking about the news with each other. She turned around to see a few soldiers hugging Jess, those who knew about the baby and those who knew how jess felt about their Captain. She stepped away after a few moments, probably tired of hugs and condolences and too overwhelmed by the displays of affections. Abby followed her and wasn't surprised to find her sitting on the bench in front of Becker's locker. She knew she often went there when she felt lonely and perhaps today was one of these days.

"Georgia…" Jess whispered to his name on the locker, rubbing her belly as she spoke. "After your mother. I know you loved her and I know you missed her, I thought you would be happy to know she will be with us…" She stopped, lowering her gaze slightly and sobbed loudly. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let you go, I should have asked you to stay and I didn't. If were for me you would still be here, with me, with us. God I'm so sorry…"

"Jess, sweetie" Abby interrupted, taking a sit next to her, pulling her towards her

"It was my fault. He's dead because of me…" She sobbed

"Of course it isn't. You can't blame yourself for this"

"But it is. He asked me if I wanted him to stay and I said no" she wiped her tear angrily as she spoke "I should have asked him to stay and I didn't because I'm stupid. Because I'm an idiot, because I thought what I was doing this right…"

"You were doing this right. Jess, Becker was a soldier; you would never stop him from doing what he does best: saving others"

"But now he's gone. What am I supposed to tell my daughter?" She cried

"You will tell her her father was the bravest man and he was also a hero" Abby spoke softly, allowing a few tears to run down her cheeks "and that you loved him very much"

Jess wrapped her arms around her friend, as tight as her belly allowed her to, and together they cried until they had no tears left.

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N**: Thank you for reading and reviewing. I love every single one of you.

**Fran**

* * *

She had lost count on how many times she had woken up in the middle of the night, drenched in cold sweat, her heart beating uncontrollably inside her chest. Every time she did it was because of a nightmare. She saw him every time she laid her head on her pillow; Becker calling her name and her trying to reach out for his hand and failing. She woke up crying as her distressed child moved inside her belly.

It had been a week. A week since he had died and his body hadn't been bought in yet. She was driving herself crazy though she wasn't the only one, she had caught Lester making phone calls and screaming at someone, she had picked up the conversation once and the only thing she heard was _'he's part of our family'_. He did the same almost every day since Becker had passed.

They received a call that involved them as a team, informing them Becker's body had been bought in. Jess sensed it might have something to do with Lester's morning calls. The hard part came when the soldier who had called told them his body needed to be identified, they had said it was proper procedure, but they had also requested for someone in specific and that had been Jess. Becker had put her as emergency contact if something were to happen to him.

"I can go with you if you want". Abby suggested. Jess didn't say no, she didn't have the heart to go through it alone.

"Yes, I think it's for the best" Lester spoke "there's too much pressure and I don't think it will be good in her state"

She didn't protest. At this point she just wanted to find a way to mourn her loss.

* * *

They reached their destination no longer than an hour later. They rode in silence, Jess didn't know what to say her mind focused on the only things she had left; her child and her memories.

She saw a white building not too far away and the car stopped in front it. She took a deep breath and suddenly noticed her sweaty hands and how her heart beat had increased.

"We are here" Abby whispered

"Okay…"

When they walked in she barely noticed the white walls or how cold it was inside, the only thing she saw was a man in a white coat waiting for them by a door and a large window.

"Mrs Becker?" The man spoke. Jess shared a confused yet shocked look with Abby at the way the man addressed her, before nodding slowly. "I am really sorry for your loss ma'am"

"Thank you…" Jess whispered.

"Let me explain how we're going to proceed" the man spoke again. He moved towards a wide window and they both followed "I will step inside this room, the window is covered by a curtain, whenever you're ready you knock on it and I will remove it"

"I can't walk in?" She asked and saw how the man seemed distressed by her question

"No, ma'am. I'm sorry" he apologized. "If you excuse me I'll walk in and let you get ready"

She wasn't sure if she will ever be ready for something like this.

She stood outside the window like the man had instructed, Abby grabbed her hand giving her support. If it hadn't been for that grip she would have passed out right there.

Two seconds later she took a deep breath and knocked softly on the window, immediately the curtains flew open and she instinctively closed her eyes briefly. She felt Abby gasp next to her and her eyes flew open in a second.

What she saw before her shocked her and made her heart skipped a beat.

"Excuse me! Hey! Get out now!" Abby yelled, slamming her hand against the glass to call the man's attention, which immediately ran outside. "That's not him"

"What?" The man looked as surprised as they were "that's impossible"

"I'm telling you that man is not Captain Becker"

"Ma'am there's got to be a misunderstanding…" the man explained

"Yeah, that man inside laying on that gurney is not our friend and you better find an answer as why he was identified as such"

"I'm sorry ma'am…"

"You better be"

* * *

She was confused, totally and completely confused. Her mind had wrapped in the fact that Becker was dead, she had cried and mourn his death, she was trying to deal with his absence and her daughter never meeting her father. Now, after all the fuzz and craziness, she had found out everything had been a misunderstanding and the man that was supposed to be Becker was just another soldier.

She couldn't quite process it…

"So he's alive?" Connor asked Abby. The team sat around the living room, like they had done before, the only difference was they were now as confused as she was.

"There's a 50/50 chance, yes" Abby answered

"I don't understand…" Emily spoke, frowning.

"According to the officer in charge Becker seems to be missing" Abby responded. Jess had snapped her head from her position in the couch and carefully stretched her legs on the small table.

"The soldier they identified was wearing his ID tags and his jacket that's why they thought it was Becker" jess spoke, rubbing her belly as her daughter moved all of a sudden.

"Do you think he's…" Connor whispered, not quite finishing his question but everyone seemed to know what he was saying.

"Let's not think about it right now, okay?" Jess spoke and rest her head back again.

She had to allow herself to enjoy the fact that he was not dead and she didn't have to figure out how to live without him.

"Why don't you get some rest?" Abby told her after seeing her friend so tired and distressed

"You know people have been telling me that a lot lately" she spoke

"Maybe it's because this have been stressful couple of days"

"True…" She rubbed her belly once more and smiled at her daughter's soft kick "I think it's time for me and Georgia to go to bed"

"Georgia?" Emily asked. Jess smiled warmly at her friend's confusion.

"Yes. It was her grandmother's name. Becker's mom" she explained "she died when he was seventeen. He never talked much about her but when he did, his whole face would light up. I thought he would be happy to know there's a little piece of her with him"

"That's really sweet" Emily answered. "I'm sure he'll be happy"

"Yeah…I just hope he comes back soon so I can tell him"

"He will, trust me." Abby interfered.

"I hope you're right"

TBC

**Seriously I couldn't do it. I love him too much.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Thank you so much for all your support. It means A LOT to me. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Don't forget to review!

**Fran**

* * *

She made her way towards the living room and found Abby and Connor sitting on the couch, each drinking a cup of coffee. They watched her as she checked the phone for messages and then checked again. She was eager, desperate, and driving herself crazy not knowing anything about Becker. He was alive (at least that's what she believed) but still missing. People from the army had promised a phone call as soon as they knew something. That had been three days ago. She was dying inside.

"Any calls?" She asked even though she'd have heard the phone ring from her room.

"Nope" Abby answered and watched as her friend sat slowly and carefully on the couch in front of her, taking her time to do so. "You know we will tell you if we have news, right? Jess, you need to relax, I'm sure Becker is fine"

"Yeah, that's what I thought a few days ago and I almost identified his body" Jess snapped. "I'm sorry…I just want him back already, why is this taking so long?"

"Maybe they haven't found him yet…" Connor spoke receiving a punch on his arm from Abby "I'm just saying that maybe he's…doing something somewhere. I'm pretty sure he'll be fine"

"I'm sure Lester is doing something to get him back." Abby reassured her "You know he went frantic when what we thought was Becker's body didn't come home"

"God, I really hope so, I don't think I'd be able to handle any more of this" She sighed, pushing herself up from the couch "I'm going to take a shower, okay? Please let me know if anyone calls"

"Will do"

The door closed behind her with a loud thud. Abby snuggled closer to Connor and they sat in silence, relaxed in each other's arms. Until a knock on the door interrupted them. Abby is the one to answer, slowly making her way towards the door and swinging it open.

She stands frozen on her spot. Staring at the man in front of her.

"Becker…" she whispered.

* * *

She takes her time, her body warming under the hot water, She stood under the hot stream for almost half an hour, soothing not only her body but also her soul and heart. Standing there in silence calmed down her spirit.

But something within her told her the silence coming from outside the bathroom didn't make sense. She knew Abby and Connor might be snuggling and watching TV but she momentarily heard Connor yelp, then everything felt into that inexplicable silence.

She left the bathroom, drying her hair as she did so. Suddenly she stopped walking, stopped breathing all together at the sight before her.

They stared at each other as if no one was around, just the two of them, both taking slow steps towards one another. She was lost all words the minute he stood in front of her, the minute she saw him standing there in her living room.

His eyes travelled from her face to her swollen belly. He was shocked, to say the least, he had pictured his return home to be very different and had imagine holding her and telling her everything he had planned in his head. But now something had changed, something in his mind clicked and he felt so very different.

"You have no idea how happy am I to see you" she whispered, tears slowly falling down her face. She wanted to reach out to touch his face, to make sure he was real and he wasn't part of another of her dreams.

"Wow…" Was all he could manage to say, his eyes again drifting down to her belly.

"Yeah." She whispered following his eyes and smiling warmly "I found out after you left and…it was a surprise for me too"

"How far along are you?"

"Six, almost seven months"

"Wow that's…that's good. I…" He swallowed hard and took two small steps away from her. He frowned and she saw the confusion in his eyes.

"It's yours" Jess spoke. He blinked a few times and when he saw the smile on her face he couldn't help but smile in return. "You should never think otherwise"

She didn't look offended at all, she understood why he was so confused, he had been gone for so long and he had probably thought she had moved on. She would have never done that. She couldn't, she loved him too much. She just hoped he loved her too.

"I'm going to be a dad" he whispered.

"It's a girl" she spoke again, his eyes widened.

"Wow…sorry I've been saying that a lot" he spoke softly, sighing heavily. "This is just too much for me to process…"

"I know, I understand. This was as surprising for me as it is for you, I know its a lot to take in in one time"

"Yeah, it is" he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, looking down at his feet uncomfortably. "I think I should…I think I should go"

"Becker…"

"I just wanted to know if you were okay and I see you are so…" He took a few steps away again, quite aware all eyes were on him. He also understood why Jess looked so hurt, but he was confused, he couldn't pretend he wasn't. "I'm gonna go home and take a shower"

"Will you be back?" She asked, almost pleading him to do so. He didn't have the heart to say no.

"I will…I just need time, okay? Please I just need you to understand that."

"I do" she whispered but deep inside all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him and never let him go.

He took a few steps towards her and dropped a small warm kiss on her forehead, letting his own rest on top of it for a minute. She took the opportunity to grab his hand and let it linger on her swollen belly. As if on cue the baby moved, and Becker watched with amazement as he felt his child within her.

"She's saying hello" jess whispered, watching his reaction.

"I'm sorry Jess…" He spoke removing his hand slowly from her belly and again taking a few steps away. "I have to go. I'm sorry".

They watch him leave in silence. Jess didn't cry, she was too bewildered by his reaction that she stood frozen on the spot.

* * *

"You know people have different way reacting to information like this" jess told Abby while she tried to explain Becker's reaction. She wasn't sure if she was explaining to Abby or herself.

"Of course." Abby said, nodding slowly.

"There are men who react the same way he did" she continued "I mean, put yourself in his shoes for a minute. How would you react if you come back from being away for so long and you find out your.." She stop midway and frowned. "What am I? I'm not his girlfriend, I'm not…something. I mean we slept together once and that's it. I don't think we can even level this"

"Either way I wouldn't run away"

"He didn't run away. He promised he would be back.."

"Of course he will"

"He needs time, you heard him" jess spoke again "he needs time to process the fact that he will be a father in less than three months"

"Look, I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But you weren't ready either and I never saw you giving up, right?"

"That's different"

"Of course it is. He can't leave you to raise his child on your own…"

"He wouldn't do that and you know it" she snapped

"He said he wouldn't leave and he did"

"Abby…" She whispered, shocked her friend used that against him.

"Look, I'm sorry okay. It just makes me mad that you've been waiting for him for so long and so eager for him to know about the baby…then to see him walk away like that. It's not fair, you don't deserve that"

"He doesn't deserve to be judged either." She told her "This is hard on him Abby. I can't force him, that's not fair either. I didn't ask him for this…I didn't. I just wanted him back that's all."

"I know you do" Abby spoke, reaching for her friend's hand and giving a light squeeze "I just don't want you and Georgia to get hurt"

"We won't" she smiled warmly

"I hope so. Because if he does, I'll tell Matt to shot him with an EMD again."

**TBC**

**he's baaaaaaack.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: First of all, I'm so so so sorry for no updating this sooner. My beta went on vacations and I couldn't find someone else (I didn't want to, she's the best beta ever) but she came back and I asked her so she agreed with being my beta again. I will try my best to update this regularly. **

**If you're still reading this fic (please) thank you so much for being so patient, I love you all!**

**Don't forget to review!**

* * *

He didn't know why he walked away. First he knew, of course, it was because he saw her and he panicked. That wasn't the way he expected his first time seeing her after being gone was supposed to go. It was oh so different. Second, to be very honest with himself he never thought, never imagined he would see her pregnant. They had one night together; he knew things like that happened, he just never thought it would happen to him. It was too surreal, too overwhelming; he didn't know how to deal with it so the first thing his brain told him was to walk away.

Call it cowardice perhaps. He couldn't really put a name to it.

He stayed in bed, wide awake, for hours. Staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. When he finally did he woke up in cold sweat.

He shouldn't have come to work, the first thought to occur. It wasn't because he didn't want to, it was because his body ached and all the looks shot his way as he walked towards Lester's office made him feel weird. He stopped to look over Jess; she was sitting in front of the ADD talking and joking with a tall brown haired guy. She was laughing, she looked content. He felt out of place for some reason.

He didn't expect Lester to receive him with a hug. He didn't expect Lester to be so happy to see him. Becker was suddenly taken aback by the sudden display of affection the man had shown to him.

"It's really good to have you back, Becker" Lester told him. Becker nodded slightly

"Thank you , sir. It is very good to be back" he responded.

"I do, however, think you should take things easy" Lester said. "I know coming back from such a traumatic experience must be hard, that's why I believe it would be advisable for you to take a few days to settle down"

"I don't need days. I need to come back to work"

"Becker, go home" Lester insisted "Get some rest, get some sleep, you look awfully tired. We need you in one piece"

"But I don't…"

"Go home. I could ask Miss Parker to take you with her if you wish"

"No." he spoke quickly, his eyes once again drifting towards her where she was still smiling and laughing with the unknown man "Who is he?" Becker asked, pointing at the man next to her.

Lester followed his gaze and sat back down on his chair. "He's Captain O'reilly. The new head of the security"

"Oh…" he looked down at his feet, suddenly understanding why Lester was so eager to send him away so quickly. He already had someone to do his job. "I understand"

"He's only staying here temporarily" Lester explained. "Someone had to do your job…"

"Of course" Becker spoke, nodding slightly while taking careful slow steps towards the door "I get it, don't worry about it. I'll go home…"

"Becker…"

He was already out when Lester called his name, once again his eyes stopped on Jess and something inside him hurt, as if someone had suddenly pricked him with a hot needle and he couldn't breathe. He was shocked to know he had been easily replaced not only by Lester but by his friends as well. He felt totally and completely out of place. For a brief tiny second he regretted coming back.

Jess eyes snapped towards Lester's office for a second, as if feeling something wasn't quite right, she saw Becker standing outside, looking gloomy and broken. They shared one last look before he walked away, turning around towards the lockers. She knew she had to give him the space he needed, but she knew he was grieving and he was probably confused, she couldn't just let it go. Not when her heart was aching for him.

Surely enough she found him sitting on the bench in front of his locker. Suddenly she remembered the last time she had been there, weeping uncontrollably over his death, apologizing for letting him go and pleading to God for him to be alive. He looked so sad, so broken and lost for some reason she couldn't help but wonder if she was the reason for it, or something had happened while talking to Lester.

"Becker?" she whispered. His head slowly rose from the ground to look at her. She smiled warmly and took a few steps towards him. His eyes focused for a minute on her belly and the he looked away. She tried to pretend his avoidance didn't hurt.

"Hey…" he greeted her, moving away a little bit to give her room. His mind was forcing his body to put some space between us, he just couldn't quite understand why

"Are you alright?" she asked "I saw you with Lester, did he say something to you?"

"No, he just…" replaced me, he thought. "Told me I should go home and get some rest"

"Maybe you should" she told him, slowly reaching out to touch his face. He didn't move away, which was a good thing, instead he closed his eyes at his touch and lean in briefly. "You look tired"

"I don't need to rest, Jess" he told her, moving away just a little but still close enough to feel her. "I need to work"

"You need to adjust at coming back home, Becker" she answered. And he snorted, slightly. "It takes time…"

"But I'm fine. " He told her "I don't need to go home and sleep when I can be here and do something"

They were interrupted suddenly. Their heads snap at the man walking in, Captain O'Reilly, who greeted Jess cheerfully (Becker noticed). Becker, as if of cue, stood up immediately staring at the man before him.

"Captain Becker" O'Reilly spoke, stretching his hand to greet him. "Jackson O'Reilly, It is an honor to finally meet you, sir"

"Likewise" Becker spoke, shaking the man's hand. "I heard you're the new head of the security."

Jess finally understood Becker's eagerness to return. Probably Lester had told him about O'Reilly taking his place temporarily and he misunderstood his words by thinking O'Reilly was staying for good. If that were to happen Jess would be the first one to protest, Lester knew that.

"Just temporarily, sir." O'Reilly explained "I was asked to take this position until your return and now that you're back I don't see the reason for me to stay"

"You're quitting?" Jess asked him. Becker noticed she looked rather sad. He just decided to ignore the pang of jealousy that suddenly hit him.

"It was never my intention to stay, Ma'am." O'Reilly spoke "I think it's time to go home"

"Well…that's sad." Jess spoke, stepping forward between them and giving the man a quick hug. He wrapped his arms around her waist in return. "I never thought you were going to leave"

"It's time" he said, smiling sweetly at her. "Maybe we'll see each other someday, if you go to New York"

"I surely will" she spoke smiling in return. Becker felt strange at the display of affecting shared by them, he never thought they would create such bond.

"Captain Becker" the man spoke making him snap out of his thoughts "I was good to meet you, sir. Welcome back"

"Thank you" Becker whispered unable to say anything else. He suddenly felt bad for being the reason this man leaving.

**TBC**


End file.
